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  • Sagi Sagara

Day 18

Updated: Sep 5

Start with Tanpa Tergesa by Juicy Luicy.

Source: https://youtu.be/tUUW5QAdAKk

* Embedded video is in compliance with YouTube API (APAC)



Break with Tak Terbaca by Juicy Luicy.

Source: https://youtu.be/P2AfkOEI7ro

* Embedded video is in compliance with YouTube API (APAC)



End with Lantas by Juicy Luicy.

Source: https://youtu.be/pagiHshKe_0

* Embedded video is in compliance with YouTube API (APAC)


Such a mood.

So after getting off from a whole day of class, I was about to just relax and the first song came about on the radio.

They did this mixtape of Indo songs.

I thought I was gonna just relax.

I was curled up under my blanket.

My room was freezing and the ambiance was just there.

When this feeling behind and lost in my 20s started creeping in again.


Let me know if this has happened to you.

You just finished working.

You ate dinner.

And now it is 8 PM.

And you're lying on your bed and you're relaxing.

And all of the sudden, some voice in the back of your head asks you:


What are you doing with your life?


You scroll on Instagram and see your high school classmates just got married the other day.

Or someone just bought their house for the first time.

And those feeling of...


Guilt.


Shame.


Inadequacy.


Inferiority.


Just all start creeping into your mind.

So what was supposed to be a relaxing evening after a long day of work?

You still feel like you haven't done anything.


So why does this situation feel so specific?


Because it happened to me just now.

After listening to those three songs.

By the way, I really dig the raw acoustic parts of it, the guitar is just something else.

I was on my mindless scroll on Linkedin and I ended up coming across a bunch of people who have been doing all these amazing things - who I haven't heard from in years.

And it's easy to see and think...Wow, those guys have done so much in the past few years.

Like what have I done?

Like this person has more money than me.

This person has a beautiful family that I would never be able to get.


So if you're reading this blog chances are you feel this way too.

Like you feel you're falling behind your peers and you're falling back on the race of life.

Well, in today's blog, I wanna remind you...better yet, specifically remind myself of a few things that I had to remind myself of when I felt this way.


#1 Happiness is a choice

I've pictured my definition of success to include a lavish lifestyle with beautiful people on the beautiful island of Bali where everything was great and no problems existed in the world.

Unfortunately, that is just a dream and simply a fantasy.

And it's important to note that these fantasies that you have don't necessarily accurately reflect how they will actually be.


After a certain point, money doesn't actually bring you the happiness you think it will.

I'm not saying money can't afford things that can bring you happiness.

And I definitely, definitely think you need to have your physiological needs met.

For food, water, shelter, safety.

But once you're at that threshold, you're able to comfortably survive.

Somewhere online, I read that $75,000 is the threshold that everyone needs to be happy or at least where happiness tends to wane progressively as your income increases.

Translated to Rupiah, it's around Rp750,000,000.

So if I follow this study, let's just assume if I were to believe it, it means I have to earn around Rp62,500,000 per month where the basic salary in Jakarta, the UMR is around Rp4,500,000 per month.

So, I guess, I will never be happy then...


But I don't know if that's really true.

Maybe if you're making $75,000 a year is actually a lot.

Like a lot, a lot.

And in a low cost of living area like in the suburbs or in the middle of nowhere, cities like Bandung, or Yogjakarta, the UMR is more than enough to get you by.

But in big cities like Jakarta and Surabaya, you have to earn more, I guess.

But regardless of that Rupiah amount that you're chasing, unfortunately, money may not bring you that happiness that you always wanted.


I'm not saying that you can't want to have a million dollars because...let's be honest.

I think a lot of us would like a million dollars, including me, maybe except billionaires but you get the point.

But if you think a million dollars or a nice house will suddenly rid you of all of your problems in the world, you are sorely mistaken.


I wanna share with you guys a psychological trick that we tend to play on ourselves and it's called Affective Forecasting.

Look it up on Wikipedia haha.

But essentially what Affective Forecasting means is you try to predict your emotional state in the future when some certain event happens.

For example, when you think that that vacation is going to make you so much happier or when you eat that Rendang, your craving will be satisfied.

See, what you didn't calculate for when you were thinking about that Rendang is how heavy and gross you would feel afterward or at that beach vacation, you suddenly get sunburned for the after the first day or something like that.


The point is we tend to be inaccurate about how we think we are going to feel in the future because the reality is like no matter where we are in life there are always going to be some problems just like how those Indonesian celebrities or the richest Indonesians may have all the money in the world.

Not all the money, but like a lot of money yet they still have problems like divorce, flexing their sports cars, or just the endless display of drama and drama and more drama...

I do occasionally see those on Youtube, haha, just to stay current, right?

So don't let your happiness be conditional.


Don't think that you'll be happy if something happens or when something happens.

You have to make a choice every day to be happy and be happy with who you are and what you've become. How you can make choices.


I think it's okay to strive to be better and not be satisfied with where you are at the moment but if that's the case, then you have to start focusing on the process over the outcome.

Sure you wanna a million dollars but how are you going to get there?

I find that having outcome goals can be really great for motivation but I argue that the process is equally as important, so what you need to do is to create a process or some sort of system that's not only will get you to where you want to be, but it also has to be something that you ENJOY so you're not dreading it.


This is the main reason why fad diets don't really work.

Or any type of instant diet.

Where after you lose the weight temporarily you're going to revert back to old habits because you just did not ENJOY getting to where you were.

So if the feelings of shame and feeling of being left behind in life start creeping in when you've done a lot that day, then you shouldn't really feel bad and recognize that you are on your process.

You are in the right place.



#2 Delete your social media

The next thing to do when you're feeling behind is to actually delete your social media.

Or at the very least, have them under control.

Now a lot of you may have already heard this advice but I really do believe in its effectiveness.

Social media tends to be the main culprit for why people feel left behind because we're always reading about people's highlights.


We're seeing that they've done so much over the past few years.

But what we tend to forget is what we have done in the past few years.

If you think about the time since you've graduated to the present where you're seeing a lot of your classmates do all these cool stuff, chances are that you've actually been up to things too.

I've graduated Uni about five years ago.

Oh my god...


Anyway, I graduated Uni a while ago. So it shouldn't be surprising that other people were living their lives while I was also living my own.

I also consider myself to be a much different person than I was since I was in Uni.

So it's just not a fair comparison to think that this person, this old classmate of yours has done all these things when you're just looking at yourself from like the past few days, from the past year thinking...

Oh, I haven't done anything and even if you haven't you're going to focus on your process or your system that'll help you get to where you want to be.


The point of deleting social media is to just stop comparing yourself to others. You can't compare your step one to someone's step one hundred in their journey of a thousand steps.

Gosh, Confucius, really?


Everyone is born with different circumstances and we have to realize that everyone is on their own little journey and we don't always start at the same place.

So try not to worry too much about where others are and just take some time to evaluate whether or not you have been getting closer or farther away from your long-term goal.

I promise you that if you're making small consistent little changes throughout your daily life you will be happy with yourself long-term.

So don't worry about other people or what they're doing just focus on yourself.


#3 Lose some friends

Although it kind of sounds a bit sad to say that you're losing friends. I don't mean it in a way where losing friends means you've burned bridges per se.

When I use the term Losing Friends I mean it very loosely.

Okay, when I talk about friendships I like to refer to friendships as a spectrum and there's a Tick Tock that explained this concept of friendship pretty well.

Go look for it on Tick Tock haha...


So on level one, you have these people where you recognize their faces maybe you don't know their name, maybe you do but you acknowledge their existence.

On level two, you have people that are somewhat friends with.

You know their name, you say hi when you run into them and maybe sometimes you grab lunch together and then you have the highest level which is your best friends.

Your ride-or-die.


These are the people that you talk to on a near-daily basis and they're probably the best relationships you can have.

So when I talk about losing friends after college, it could mean going from a level three down to level two.


When you're graduating college, we're all losing our identity as college students like being in college is kind of a personality trait if you think about it because our lifestyles do share a few commonalities.

You guys live in dorms, in my case Kosan, you guys have meal plans, go to classes together, search for a job, and when it's time to finally graduate and carve out your own path it's easy to lose those similarities between you and your classmates that you used to have.


You no longer have a club or in my case UKM team to go back to after your exams.

Or maybe a classmate that you used to finance and work with isn't with you anymore.

And this process of trying to lose yourself and then find yourself again can be pretty emotionally distressing and so when you lose yourself you probably will lose a few others around you too because you're basically recalibrating your values.


What used to be fun in college like playing soccer and going out with friends and making new friends might be different from how you view fun after college which could be more about staying in, reading a book, hanging with friends that you already have, or hanging with your family.


The thing is as you graduate, this is the point where a lot of your friendships are kind of put to the test. And I don't mean making or breaking them. I mean whether they stay at a level three or maybe go down to a level two and this is really dependent on a lot of factors.

One is a lifestyle as I previously mentioned.

The second has to do with your geographic location.


I have friends who stayed in the college town, Bandung, that I went to but I'm here in Jakarta. Some even moved out, like a best friend of mine who's now working in Bali.

Sad to think that I haven't been to Bali.

I am an Indonesian. And yet, Bali is still a dream.

And sometimes it is difficult to stay in touch with everyone because they just have other lives going on and I'm not necessarily the first person that comes to their minds.

With a transitional period like graduating, there's going to be a lot of change and you're going to gain a lot and you're also going to lose a lot and if these friends that you used to have aren't in touch with you anymore, that's not necessarily a bad thing.


Currently, I'm enrolling as an active student here in Jakarta.

That's why I miss the old days.

I miss college.

I miss my friends.

I miss doing the things that we used to do.

Going to meetings, staying up late cramming for exams.

Going to do all these extracurricular things and be a campus activist.

Those were golden!

Hmmm, I feel like I should end it here...

So...


My final, final thought...

I've been thinking a lot about this phenomenon of feeling behind in life.

Which is something I've come up against quite a bit in my life and something that I think a lot of my friends and peers go through as well, especially when I bring it up in conversation, I just feel like people identify with that very quickly.


Uhmm...it makes me think that this is probably an issue on a bigger scale than I initially thought, you know.

It's sort of something I think many of us don't...can't quite put our finger on or articulate very well or are combating silently, but it's still there.


It still exists, this feeling of like not measuring up, never being able to catch up.

And what I find so interesting is that everybody has their own version of that.

Thinking about that has really made me reconsider aspects of myself, for example, the fact that I'm very competitive, you know.

I used to think that was a really good thing because I'm motivated and determined and very forward-thinking.


But, on the same token, I feel like that's also robbed me of a lot of JOY, a lot of pleasure.

You know, always having to be better, move forward and prove you get the advantage, get ahead.

And that's kind of an ugly thing to admit.

But I've been trying to figure out why this comes up so much in my life, you know, why this is such a deep drive.


And I know I'm not supposed to compare it to others and I should focus on myself and be in my lane.

But it's built into us, you know, thousands of years ago, say you're a farmer in Bali or any place in Indonesia and the farmer next door is doing the same things you are, or you saw, you think.

But they're having much greater results.


It's in your best interest to find out what they're doing, right?

It gets really messy when you think about the fact that, you know, I'm part of the problem.

If you like, who wants to show the worst moments of their lives anyway, right?

And if you look at my Instagram. I archived most of the photos anyway.

But back then, where you look at the things that I posted, you might come to the conclusion that I'm living an extraordinary life, right?

And I've had a good year.


I'm not gonna lie. I don't want to complain about my life.

I have had an exceptional year and it's been full of incredible experiences.

But what I post doesn't tell the full story of the self-doubt, of the fear of the moments of not knowing what to do, of regret, of the stress that I've felt the anxiety.

This is not... I'm not trying to make a sob story but these are things that I think we all go through.

I think we all in some way or in fact to some level have felt what depression is or sadness at the very least?


That's the part I think a lot of us kind of want to put to the side or I mean I do.

I mean I know I wanna be happy as often and as much as possible.

If I could always be in a state of positivity and of creativity and of being giving and generous who wouldn't wanna be in that mode at all times?


But that's not how it works.

What I've been kind of realizing little by little is this...that competitiveness and that need to not be feeling behind, right to desperately move forward.

I think for me at least, I'll just speak in my case, is based out of a lack of self-love.

It's not I don't like hate myself or I don't think I do but I also am NOT okay with where I am or who I am at this point in life.

I haven't accepted myself which I think would be massively liberating.

This feeling of being behind...behind, behind whose measuring stick?

Am I using you know, like where did this come from?

It's all living in my brain.

Everybody's version of this is different.

That should be a telltale sign that this is like invented.


This is not something that makes any rational sense to think that life can be calculated or predicted is wrong.

It's wrong.

It's nonlinear.

So you can't calculate where you'll be in five years or ten years or twenty years.

You can't.

That's not possible.

I've tried to do that and disappointed myself.

But you can always plan out your life.

But be prepared for surprises and unpredictabilility.

There was this one alumna from the company that I work for who I think is exceptionally talented and we just kind of had a heart-to-heart conversation.

This woman is a lot older than me, so she's had a lot more life experience but in that conversation, we talked about some of these sorts of things and she said to me I'm basically where you're at.

You know, I'm at the same stage trying to figure out where I'm going or what I'm gonna be doing.


That was like such a HUGE revelation.

I realized that we all go through this.

We all go through this.

This is something that is shared by all of us in a way and that's kind of amazing.

That's like a relief. I feel such a weight has been lifted off of myself when I allow myself to accept that I'm not crazy for thinking this way.


A lot of us going through this.

When the day comes, or if the day comes that I'm able to finally get it in my head that I am who I am.

I am how I am.

I'll be able to accept that I'm doing the best I can and there's no such thing as being behind in life that's just using a measuring stick that's wrong for you.

It's a measuring stick that's based on the success of others, which is arbitrary.

It doesn't mean it has no meaning when translated into your life.

And I think what I need is just reminders of that.

I just need to not forget that.

It's so easy to forget.

I feel like I have to remind myself every day.

And I think that's why I wanted to make this.

To remind me.


So those are my thoughts.


~ Happy Sunday you all ~

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