Nighly reflection of an HSP...
After a full stressful, hectic day at work, I finally had the chance to just sit still.
And let these thoughts come running.
Or just floating away in my mind.
What is a trait you see in others that you wish you had in yourself?
Why do you not have this?
Do you overthink?
How do you process your emotions?
What would it look like if changed?
I wish I could be a happy-go-lucky person where I am warm and welcoming.
A person where people could feel comfortable to be around.
A person that is pretty easy to get along with.
I frequently feel very tensed, uncomfortable, and anxious in new environments, whether consciously or subconsciously.
As a result, I often have been unable to smile, greet people, and say much, making me come across as arrogant.
I believe I often do not display friendly gestures upon first encounters due to my sensitivity.
Due to the fact that I recently discovered through reading this website https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/ and the book on HSP.
I used to think that most people thought negatively of me.
But now it has changed.
My paranoia caused me to assume the worst in people.
Though I now realize that they are primarily projections of my own insecurities.
As a defense mechanism, I, therefore, chose to be stoic, unbothered, and quiet.
In doing so, protecting myself from those whom I thought wanting to hurt me.
My mind never rests, and I find myself relentlessly venturing off into different thoughts of what has been, is, and could be.
Overthinking has become second nature to me as I constantly evaluate my decisions, actions, quality of work, and what I should be doing.
On the one hand, I view this trait as an advantage because it allows me to observe things in great detail.
My meticulous nature has made me an extremely hard worker, constantly pushing myself to do everything to the best of my abilities.
However, on the other hand, overthinking has proven to be dangerous because it makes me constantly question myself.
I guess this is why back at Uni, I used to process my emotions by channeling all my anger and frustrations into my studies, extracurricular activities, student bodies while faking confidence and happiness to the world.
I built my ego on the idea of not letting anyone see my emotional weakness.
With all that being said, I'm so F grateful to have allowed myself the chance to acknowledge how important it is to feel pain and how beautiful it can be to show vulnerability.
Being honest with myself and opening up my heart has helped me stabilize and clear my mind.
I am in the process of reshaping the way I view the world, which in turn has helped me communicate more sensitively and gently with others.
Through this digital journaling, I find solace in knowing that one day I could just randomly re-read these journals and again be reminded of how I thought, felt, or viewed certain things at certain stages in my life.
Reevaluating how I process my emotions has helped change my perceptions of people and liberated me from self-sabotaging reality that only held me back from becoming the person I was meant to be.
In life, the fear we create in our minds amplifies self-doubt and holds us back.
Do not be afraid to express yourself the way you see fit.
Do not be afraid to stand up against people's misconception of who you are.
Because, at the end of the day, people who cannot accept the way you are and what you stand for should not and most likely will not remain in your life.
I'm not telling you to never listen to what other people have to say or consider criticism that may actually serve you well.
But I am asking you to stop letting your own judgments and assumptions of what others may or may not think of you prevent you from realizing the greatness that is in you.
It is crucial that you create reality - a personal universe where you believe you are appreciated and cared for.
Internalize these beliefs.
Know that you are worth loving.
Because if you yourself don't believe this, how do you expect others to?
Allow yourself to heal.
Let go of the imperfections because you never know where it could take you.
Allow yourself to arrive at something more beautiful due to your ability to surrender to your true nature.
Remember, you are more than test results...
More than your job...
More than your titles, may that be CA, CPA, MBA...and what have you...
And above all, more than what others think of you.
Thank you for reading this far.
I am not a psychologist nor a person with a psychology degree.
These are just my random nightly thoughts on being an HSP.
These are what rings true to me.
Hope you find peace in being who you are.