A Highly Sensitive Person: I'm not weird - I'm just an HSP male.
Updated: Sep 5, 2021
Source: Personal photo
Are You Highly Sensitive?
I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment. T/F
Other people's moods affect me. T/F
I tend to be very sensitive to pain. T/F
I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation. T/F
Those are just a glimpse of the type of questions to evaluate whether you're an HSP or not.
Well, I've been wanting to continue writing and publishing this blog post, but it got shelved for a couple of months. There's this intrinsic feeling telling me...this is not right.
Now, I guess it's the right moment.
I am sitting at Toodz House in Fatmawati. Pretty cozy. Like the ambiance here.
So yeah, I guess it's been pretty hard for me being an HSP. I'm not sure to what HSP level I am at. But, I guess it's like a spectrum where you can't possibly be 100% HSP. Just like you can't ever be sure to be 100% introverted. Or 100% extroverted. We are all (I believe) fall into the spectrum where we may be inclined to be at one end of the spectrum.
I guess being an HSP, I become this shy gentleman. I grew up shy I think. I find socializing to be a bit awkward. Uneasy. Stressful. Very groggy.
I have only a few friends. What I mean by friends are not just people that I hang out with. More like people that I could share my stories with. A place for me to confide in.
I know, I am not saying that...Oh...I feel special...I need special treatment just because I am an HSP.
No. No. No.
It's in fact the other way around. Where I feel like I need to constantly adapt. Adapting is the very core of my survival.
Also, being an HSP means that I have this trust issue. I don't trust people easily. I know that people are manipulative. They help you because it benefits them somehow. There's no such a thing as a free lunch. I don't believe in pure kindness. Except for philanthropists. I mean maybe because they're super-rich. Spending millions of dollars makes them happy and content. Brings meaning to their lives.
Speaking of socializing, when I hang out in a group of people, I've always been the one that gets bullied. Bullied here is not like what you read in the newspaper or watch on some TVs. How do I describe this? It's again I guess because I don't sweet-talk people. I don't chit-chat. I hate to feel untrue. I mean at work, you have to socialize and be everyone's favorite to help you in climbing the career ladder. But, hey...I hate to lick ass to get ahead even though it's just the nature of the business.
I like to stay away. Be alone. Be discreet. Dodging at the spotlight. I know it's bad career-wise. But that's just my natural tendency. And I know I've been used by a lot of people because they know my weak spots. They are clearly aware that I can't say NO. I know I'm terrible. That's why I need to constantly learn to be uncomfortable to be comfortable.
Saying NO for examples to manipulators.
Another real struggle is how I kill time. I've been living alone since 2012 when I first moved out to Bandung and started college. Been alone ever since. This kegabutan. That free time has resulted in me being a super active student back in college. I joined many organizations. Extracurricular. Became Vice President of the Accounting Student Association. In my final year in college, I was elected the President of the Student Council. I was mocked. I was critiqued. Students demonstrating for lower college tuition was something else. I had to go talk to the campus administrator. Pheww...
Oh wait...the most epic one was when the Student Bodies computers' were stolen by a thief. B U R G L A R Y. I won't forget. So 6 computer units were stolen in a burglary at the campus. Everyone panicked. I received a lot of phone calls. It was crazy. And guess who the thief was...my own staff...It almost felt like I was slapped in the face. Went to the police station. Went thru the police interrogation as well. Finally, I had to calm those enraged students. Also, I replaced one unit computer (or a camera) I forget, but there was this one student whose electronic equipment got stolen too. He asked to get compensation for the lost item. I remember like 3 months after I started working here (read: Jakarta) I transferred him some money as compensation. I could just disappear and just be gone. Change my phone number. But here's the thing. This HSP that I was born with wouldn't let me just bail like that. Even after my commencement, I still cared. Yeah...the story of an HSP. (Back then, I'd no idea that this is called HSP).
So yeah, my college life was pretty full (packed full) with drama. And life lessons (I hope).
So that's how I spent my kegabutan.
I've got nothing to do.
Then, in Jakarta, yeah, I still am lonely. I live in a small rental room. It's been my third year in the same Kosan. So...long story short, I guess my new weapon to kill this kegabutan is to Blog and Vlog.
Sounds very millennial thing right?
But I feel like I find this to be a safe haven where I could share my thoughts. My opinions. My experience in a written and video forms. (But I know I need to stay alert about the stuff that I put out). It may backfire if I am reckless.
So yeah, what do you think?
I thought I had written like a 10-minute read, but it's an only a 5-minute read. So...I'll be having some extras....
#1 I wish I could travel back in time. Would be cool to be able to re-live. To re-do and to re-learn.
#2 I wish I went to an International school. Which I didn't. I went to a national school. But I was lucky to ever attend a bilingual classroom.
#3 I wish I was born rich. But. Hmmm. I am just an ordinary dude. My father works as a civil servant. My mum is a housewife. We're not poor nor rich. Alhamdulilah, we live a decent lifestyle.
#4 I wish I was mixed. Man...how ungrateful I am. The thought of being a mixed or bule so intriguing. I feel like the Indonesian celebrities who are mixed are just lucky. They have the face and popularity. But then again, it's only a wish.
#5 I wish I could speak Chinese and Arabic. Chinese because this means I could get connected to 1.5 billion people in China. Arabic because this is what I recite in my 5 times daily prayer.
So, I guess that's it.
How do you define yourself?
Who are you?
Which one are you?
There's no definite answer to this.
Happy exploring who you are!
Terima kasih bagi yang sudah membaca.
I'll see u in the next blog.