A 26-day challenge
Today is June 20th. Exactly 1 month away from my birthday.
I figure I wanna do something...And I came up with this 26-day challenge.
Reason being, I was so demotivated to live my life after what happened during the last 5/6 months.
I can't spill the details, but I've been having issues with anxiety and motivation.
I know I'm killing myself.
My life is wasting away and I hate it.
I tried to change but something always knocks me down.
My life, it's like living a death sentence.
This is no life for anyone.
Oh, just pray for me.
This is completely unacceptable.
I can't let it destroy mine.
The only thing harder than destroying your life with your own choices is the fact you know that you have to change but you simply ignore them.
I know that energy exists.
I know that anxiety kills.
I know they lead to other ailments.
I took Positive Psychology classes. I passed it.
I read books on immunity and stress.
I read the importance of workout.
I know what I need to hold onto.
I know it all.
I simply just do not have the will to change myself.
You might wonder what am I rambling about.
I can't write them here.
Only to a friend and my personal diary...
Forcing myself to start each day is just miserable.
My body feels like I'm in a prison.
I'm just trapped.
It's torture every day.
But I can't even take the time to worry about myself.
Just living life is a daily struggle.
So if it wasn't for my dreams, I wouldn't be living right now.
I'm miserable every day.
And some days I just want to give up.
But I can't.
Because no matter how hard it is, I will die if I don't take care of myself.
So that's what I'm gonna do.
Even doing the smallest thing is a painful experience.
It just wears me out.
It kills me worse to see myself navigating through this life aimlessly.
But that's who I've always been.
I've always taken care of somebody else.
And I've never had time to take care of me.
I miss being able to feel in control.
Now I feel like I'm a side show. Freak. A puppy on the window.
I hate the imprisonment of my own thoughts.
But I know the life that I have now was set in motion a long time ago.
Or I was just born with it.
It's like a package.
As long as I can remember, I have struggled with my sensitivity.
I did write for comfort.
It built over the years because of how sensitive I was.
Growing up, I was being very sensitive.
I was hallucinating, it scared me.
So writing was a way to deal with the stress.
So I just started writing.
I just didn't understand why people could be so rude and thoughtless and so insensitive.
For those people to say that is was my fault, I was devastated.
So for the next few mooths after it happened, I just remember writing and writing.
And my life just continued this downward spiral from there.
Because I just wanted to forget my life.
Writing is my comfort.
When I'm depressed I write.
When I'm sad I write.
When I'm happy I write.
Writing is my drug of choice.
I know I'm killing myself with my demotivation.
How do you rewrite?
How you've operated your whole life?
It's like trying to undo your whole history.
I've struggled with my sensitivity since I was really young.
I didn't talk to anybody about the depression I was in.
It's one of those things that none of us talk about.
And it's really messed with my head.
I was hoping to get help and wanted to turn my life around.
But I can't barely live well.
My body gives out.
It's just too much.
The anxiety starts to sink in.
Because it's like going through the walk of shame.
I feel judged by the outside world because I'm different.
I'm too sensitive.
They're not used to seeing a man with highly sensitivity.
They simply believe it doesn't exist.
This is only in my head.
They don't get this, they never will.
When I'm writing it's almost like filling an emptiness in my heart.
It's like lying down and getting a good massage.
I'm barely functioning as it is.
And it's a matter of time before it's too late.
Sometimes I just feel like a useless individual.
I'm already feeling lightheaded.
I hate having to be helped, It makes me feel worthless.
I know the situation could've turned out much, much worse.
So I know I just can't keep living like this.
And the time is running out for me.
I've gotta do something so I can pursue my dreams.
Before it's too late.
I know I'm staring at an early death, but I have a major anxiety that does not go away.
And it's what my whole life revolves around, but I don't know how to change that.
I can feel myself going down hill.
I can tell that things are getting bad.
And I feel like I'm just waiting to die.
The only option that I have is to change.
Lots of uncharted territory for me. And it's scary.
I don't think there's going to be too many tomorrows, if things go like this.
I've dreamed of that future where my dreams were realized and achieved.
But now I'm so afraid that I'm not going to live long enough to realize them.
Unless I can save me from myself.
9 times out of 10 I fail.
So therefore, it exerts me emotionally more than it does my body.
Really heart-breaking to realize that I've gotten out of control.
This really is a race against time.
I want myself to hit these goals.
It's like trying to start a whole new life.
I beat you.
My biggest fear is when I get cravings and I don't get what I want.
And I feel it's easier to have someone to do this with.
And that's why I chose a friend to be my accountability partner.
Just push through and keeping on keeping on.
And I'm absolutely terrified.
I've turned my world upside down to do this.
Despite many failed attempts before, I'd like to try this.
I want to have a better life.
My 26-day challenge consists of:
#1 A 10-minute mindfulness meditation
#2 A 10-minute gratitude journal
#3 A 50-rep push-ups and 50-rep sit-ups
#4 SUMI once a week
#5 Sleep enough, if possible
It's officially started today.
It's gonna end on July 16th, 2020.
Decided to have an accountability partner to help guide me and remind what's on the finish line.
Sorry if this writing doesn't make a coherent story.
This just streamed out of my mind.
This is what I look like today...
Hope to see some positive changes in 26 days.
Not mere physical.
Mental health is the ultimate goals here.
~ Peace out, beautiful readers ~